When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
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They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second