When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
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Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.