When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
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Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
inside you are two wolves
dude it’s called proctologist
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
