When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
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[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
The fall of Netflix
