Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.

The legends were true

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

I cannot call her anything else now

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots

Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.