When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
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[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Life with a cat in one tweet
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich