When I sing in the shower the water turns cold
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Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
White parent Vs Arab parents
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
A friend sent me this.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
