Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store

Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.

It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach