Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Simple

me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?

Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!

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i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

her: we’re engaged, Dad!

her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first

me: you’re not really my type

every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance

Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.