Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.

Pat is about to own someone

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.

I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?

Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”

Person: *laughing*

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

just left a huge legacy in there

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know