When I snag the last meatball.
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Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
My boss called in sick of me
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert