Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet

THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????

my gf left me bc i’m paranoid

nvm she’s back, she went pee

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

Me: Footlong

Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?

Me: Cookie

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people