When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
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I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Did…did a minotaur write this
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this