When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
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*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
my astrological sign is a french fry
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
These 3D printers are insane!
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad