When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
You Might Also Like
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.