When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
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Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar