When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
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Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
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The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.