When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
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16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG