When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
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*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.