When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
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Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
*sewing*
A thread
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
4 year old: I had a nightmare
me: don’t worry, it wasn’t real
4 y.o.: I dreamed every movie based on established I.P. will now be reviewed by a committee of nerds censoring anything that might be controversial with fans of the franchise
me: *terror rising within me* no way
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™