When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
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[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
My dog after a walk in the woods.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
