Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

we’re dead?

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

*seductively eats two tums*

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*