Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah!

[Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

therapist: why do you do that

me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

😝

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

[texting]

Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?

Her: too long, didn’t read

Me: oh ffs you too?

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.