Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.

I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.