When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
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there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
Me recordaron éste meme
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*