When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
![]()
You Might Also Like
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH