When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills
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Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Not all heroes wear capes….
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
There are no kids named Durf if you’re looking for a void to fill.
what does he know…
