@weinerdog4life

When I tell my wife I’m gonna have to work late she knows it’s code for I was playing with super glue and I’m stuck to my desk again.

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@michael_raphone

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

@seethenare

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

@MoistPork

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

@Marlebean

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

@benicus_rex

actually these are my therapy bees i’m allowed to take them on the bus with me

@Home_Halfway

People ask me what I’m really into these days. I tell them “debt.”

@yeaanotherchris

My jelly donut didn’t have any jelly in it, so I don’t want to hear about your trivial issues.

@SondraDeeMe

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

@BubblesnBooze

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.