When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
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Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
classic mixup
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.