When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
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Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”