When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
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(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”