Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
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me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
cats when you pet them too long:
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja