When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
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I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Gotta say whoever invented the potato nailed it and should be trusted to invent more stuff