When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
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MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??