When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
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Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I would love to have children one day. Two days maximum
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
