When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
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Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.