Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*

*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

The cheapest way to fly is off the handle

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

[At my funeral]

Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.

Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL