When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
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After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.