When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
You Might Also Like
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
My mom texting me from an anime convention
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Don’t we all.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.