When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
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Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.