“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
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8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library