When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Me irl
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
How many? 🤔
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.