When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
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“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day