Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
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A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
This week’s mood.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
For the baby who has everything
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?