Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?

I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.

Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*