Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave

tfw you realize …

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.

Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.