Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: are there any allergies at the table?

me (already drunk): BEES

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

classic mixup

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)

Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

I love twitter

Sending in my taxes

there are 2 types of people:

– those who love deviled eggs

– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.