Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

there’s probably a fee though

This kinda thing happens to me often

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

happy friday

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.