When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
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Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
this is uni
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day