When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
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My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
“A little help here, Danny?”
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen