When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
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I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.