Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]

Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.

9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.

People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)

Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator