When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
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Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
birds and squirrels envy us
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”