When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
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[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
craving $300 all of a sudden
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.