When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
You Might Also Like
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
This has made my week.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.