When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
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I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*