When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”

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I wonder which woman said….. “yep I’m gonna put it in my mouth and see what happens.”


Is it weird to think about naming my next cat Batman during sex?

Sir, I just serve coffee here. But no, it’s not weird. It’s fantastic!


My wife asked me to load the dishwasher.

So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking.

And that’s how the fight started.


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”omgthatspunny”;s:5:”image”;s:75:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1897104686/Finished_PUNNY_3.2_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”346765466682945537″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”341″;s:5:”tweet”;s:82:”When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}


I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.


Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime


FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*


Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?


It really creeps me out the way my neighbor stares at me when I’m looking through her window.