When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
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Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
LOL
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.