When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
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I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”