Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out

*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!

ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

you can only post this today

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱

My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”