When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
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[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
My work here is done
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.