When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
You Might Also Like
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Here to help
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.