Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

my depression: I’m sad

my anxiety: but why now I’m worried

my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason

my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints

jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…

Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.

Me: Oh ok nevermind.

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign