When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
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The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday