When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
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I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
I know karate and tons of other words.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.