Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome

PRODUCER: Keep talking

ME: called Vladiator

HIM: Get out

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

nurse: name?

me: david

nurse: age?

me: 35

nurse: sex?

me: almost once

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵

Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.

3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.