Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?

Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?

Cop:Lol, nevermind

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

Same post same

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand

Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.