When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
You Might Also Like
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out