Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?

ME: have you restarted your computer?

MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

my gf left me cuz I’m insecure

nvm she’s back she went pee

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!

Read to your child.

#Mothersday #booklovers

I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.