When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
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If only
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
