When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
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kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
This story is comedy gold 😂
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Home #decor warning.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
felt that
