Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski